Q. Can you elaborate on "holding people hostage?"
In a recent women's Q&A, I shared the importance of having the right people in my circle as I fought to Rebound. I called my crew, "Operation Rescue BJ." In the chat I mentioned that not everyone belong in your inner circle and that we need to reassess our relationships and be willing to let people go. In other words, 'stop holding people hostage'. That is the origin of this question.
Working in an elementary school, I found without fail everyday a child would approach with tears in their eyes, heartbroken that someone didn't want to be their friend. And the response was always the same, "you see all of these kids on the playground? You're telling me no one wants to be your friend?" And it always boiled down to one thing, but I want that one!
You will never have to force anything that is truly meant to be.
Holding someone hostage is insisting on being interconnected to someone and secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) holding an attitude towards them if you are not .
Every speaking engagement I have starts with, 'we must get honest with ourselves." Let's face it, even the most honest amongst us are not that honest. We lie to ourselves everyday for various reasons. Even reading this, we will most likely profess we do not insist that anyone befriend us, after all that's what kids on a playground do.
When we are hurt because a relationship, for whatever reason, has pulled away from us, it is because we are fighting to hold on to what is fighting to leave. In other words, insisting they stay. The word hostage means to hold someone or something as security for the fulfillment of certain conditions or needs. We're too adult and sophisticated to say it, but it is the root of the pain. We are holding on to people for security. What if we reframed our thinking and embraced the possibility that they have served their purpose in our lives and we in theirs. We would then be able to cherish what we had, while releasing without bitterness and angst, what we perceive as loss.
As Christians we are inexplicitly connected one to another by the blood of Christ. That is a gift bestowed upon us by God that we all should cherish. The depth of those relationships, however, as the steps of our lives, are ordered by the Lord (Ps. 37:23).
Do we truly trust that God knows who we need in our lives to usher us into our next phase of life? If we do, those who stay and THOSE WHO GO are ordained by God.
Jesus had 12 disciples that he walked with and trained, but a much smaller inner circle of 3 that he gave the deepest parts of himself emotionally. We are incapable of being best friends with everyone yet there is a part of us that feels entitled or indebted to it.
If we pour into the relationships God has ordered for us we will live life more supported, cared for, and fulfilled.